Monthly Archives: October 2010

Well, well, if it ain’t a Saturday night. Most people would probably be drinking, smoking, blah blah, etc, what not, but we, the ones who sit lifelessly in front of our computers staring into blank space, yeahh. We are awesome people, no?

Week has been, well, pretty much, as usual. Usual isn’t normal, don’t get those two mistaken. In fact, nothing is normal. How do you define ‘normal’?

I think I pulled my arm muscle and my thigh muscle while playing badminton this week for post exam activities. Hurts quite a bit, I shiver whenever I hold anything in my right hand and walking proves to be inexplicably hard once again. I haven’t played badminton for about 2-3 years already. Quit when I entered secondary.

And um, let’s see. Today was one of the better days, as I finally got a new family member.

Welcome the new boy girl boy (ah, who cares)

Been waiting for this for a while ever since my 18-55 died on me during Ryan’s party a little back earlier this year, must’ve been somebody who didn’t know how to differentiate between the focus ring and the zoom ring, or maybe it was just riddled by old age. After all, it was already about two and a half years old.

Test focus shot with the 50 1.8 I helped Ashwin to get

I’m out of words to say, but yes, it’s true. I’ve grown to learn that I’m a coward. I don’t take risks anymore. I don’t dare to take the plunge in fear of hurting, and hurting people that I love. Sometimes, I think that leaving it like that is the best option, then at least we wouldn’t have to face everything. But truth and reality has their way to sink their teeth into our lives, and while I’m doing a pretty good job avoiding everything including life, there’s just going to be one day where I’ll have to break myself down in order to find myself once again.

Life poses challenges, and some just are too much for some of us to handle; so all we can do is just hide, doze and dream of the challenge being solved. What difference does it make, when we are finally nudged from our slumber?

I am a dreamer myself, and yes, I love to dream, because it’s one paradise only you yourself can experience, can enjoy, can relate to, can savour and cherish.

Question is, what happens when you wake up and find that all that happened was just a dream?

Test shots with the Tamron 17-50 – sharpness is VERY hard to control but very lovely on a powerful lens like this one

Soon, I’ll have no choice but to turn back and face the reality. Till then, I shall continue to suffer from my own guilt. I like to feel pain; pain is good, cause it makes me feel real.

It’s up to you to find beauty in the simplest things in life

Simple as that.

So, hello again. Days have been bland, plain, boring; nothing I honestly expected from such fun activities organized.

Maybe it’s just me; I’m not used to adapting to the world and the challenges it sets in front of me. Unlike you, I’m still that weakling; the one who can’t seem to let go although he’s committed all the stupid mistakes, the one that has the incessant desire to hold onto something that is, well, clearly, already gone. Maybe it’s just me, believing that by holding on, everything might come back someday.

I wonder why the world works like this; when it deals you all the right cards, it just HAD to deal you one, rotten card. And then your hand is ruined. It might sound like a line out of a soppy love story, but that’s just the bare truth.

I do look back; thinking of everything. Me, forgetting the past is like trying to tell a dog to fly. Have you ever felt like you wanted to do something, you knew how you were going to do it, you know how the whole thing will turn out like, but in the end, you find that you are completely powerless and weak?

There are questions unanswered in my mind. Many, to be honest. Although they’re right in front of me, part of me chooses not to accept it in. Denial, is the word perfectly describing my condition.

Denial

the act of refusing to comply (as with a request); "it resulted in a complete denial of his privileges"

the act of asserting that something alleged is not true

(psychiatry) a defense mechanism that denies painful thoughts

Your light will shine when all else fades

There, lies a fine line between insanity and reality. That line, I’ve been desperately trying to keep track of and make sure that it was kept in sight.

Honestly, I have no idea where is it now.

I’m left with a shadow of my past and while I want to wish I could have everything back again, the first thing I got to do is get over all my mistakes.

Regret is powerful; like a double-edged sword, it can hurt both the victim and the person who committed it.

Maybe it’s just me

Couldn’t you believe

That everything I said and did

Wasn’t just deceiving

I rarely blog on weekdays. Maybe it’s because I have nothing much to write about, or maybe it’s just the fatigue that never fails to consume me as a whole.

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Well, hello blog. It’s been quite a while since I’ve really blogged. I’m not sure when the feelings left my social life. It’s as if, I’ve grown a little oblivion out of this world and managed to get through by being emotionless.

It’s been a rough year for me, having to go through the constant blabber and jabber about how important public exams are, and what not. Control is a funny word; you have all of it when you don’t need it, but when you need it, it’s never there, don’t you realize?

Sometimes, life knocks you down. Some people get up, strong, unfaltered and continue fighting. Some bleed to death from their wounds; some choose to lay there because getting up would mean hurting even more. Some people can’t take it and take their life. That curveball that life throws at you; it might be your last blow, your last stand. And sometimes, that curveball deals a staggeringly powerful blow.

It may be family, it may be love, it may be career, or maybe just an inner battle with yourself.

I’m not one to openly admit my mistakes or shortcomings in life, but things change; people change, no?

Quote Ellie,

‘Sometimes, you end up being self-destructive that you destroy everything that comes in your way.’

Looking back, I realize that; everything actually had a chance to work out perfectly; balance wasn’t a miracle nor a dream, and was possible to be achieved. Studies would’ve ran in line with relationships;..

That is, if only I had the strength to lift myself up after being dealt blow after blow, coming from all corners and all parts of my life. Describing it wouldn’t be an easy task; we humans are scary sometimes when we lose control that even we get scared of ourselves when we look back. The damage we’ve done; it may be like, the worst calamity that we’ve ever encountered.

Turning back may be stupid sometimes, but most of the time, we just don’t want to, because the present is nothing at all, like the past. The real smiles, the genuine affection, the hummingbird heartbeat, the teenage dream, has now faded into reality.

I honestly wish I could atone for my past actions; the massive blow I dealt when I decided to shut everybody out of my life when it went spiraling out of control, like a plane shot down and losing its wings, the panic of the pilot as he says his final prayer. I would give up anything in my life at the moment; what I have, what I want, what I need, for that part of my life to come back, and I’ll leave it there. Because my promise holds true.

Have you ever wondered, why life takes its turns? And suddenly, everything changes, leaving you lost in stereo, directionless? So very often, relationships are known to ‘fail’ because of problems with money, and cheating. Where did any of these exist? I confess, when I shut everybody out of my life, I tried to find happiness in all the wrong places – flirting being one of the biggest sins – but is it really, too late to turn back? Is there not a choice to turn back and find solace, find safety in your arms again?

Because I clearly remember every single detail; every single word, every single action, every single event that brought us from being total strangers to being the picture perfect dream; the feelings, the expressions, it all reflected so well on how true everything was.

And now that you’re gone, and I’ve done my part to please their demands; deal with my exams well, and then you can choose what you want to do with your life, I’m lost. Lost in this limbo, where I had always waited to enter to be with you. Everything’s gone, just gone; shards of glass protrude through the shells of our existence, but our actions depict the total opposite; that we’re okay, that we’ve moved on, and that we don’t care about what’s happened before.

Every single day, not a single thought in my mind has nothing to do with you. Especially with post exams here. The memories just won’t fade; not that I want them to, but not a single minute goes by, me having to face the reality with each and every person that’s crushed on me walk past me with me trying to avoid locking eyes with them, in fear of the frustration biting on me like a mad, unleashed dog.

I still remember how I used to playfully tease you for no apparent reason out of boredom, and in fact, I’ve caught that sulking face of yours before, and I still have that picture. And everything else that we did before, there are pictures to preserve those memories we cherished together. Sometimes, I wonder – do you even remember all the times we had together? Or has it vanished, along with everything else?

I’ve always dreamed of living a life like that, with somebody you can always trust and always turn to; someone to hold higher than a typical ‘good friend’ or ‘best friend’, being able to share everything and anything that that someone; every joy, every happiness, every pain, every sorrow. I used to think that I was the luckiest soul on earth, to have felt that feeling of completion in my soul. Incomplete and broken once again, my only solace has become a ruin, and all that’s left are memories and photos to remind me of the happiness that existed.

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It might be too late, and maybe it is. But I’ll always dwell on the promises, however glum the future might be.

‘Even if I knew tomorrow the world would go into pieces, I would still plant my apple tree’

Where are you and I’m so sorry

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Stop this pain tonight